Higher Self

Photo from Susan Jeffer’s book, “feel the fear and do it anyway” (photo taken by Christian Espinoza)

This is my guide.

When I connect all the squares, I feel truly happy. I feel whole.

When I tip the balance one way, I loose myself and it’s hard to reconnect.

Try it for yourself, and be real.

It’s not easy to reach, but it’s worth all the stress and anguish in the end.


Arrowtown, New Zealand 2015 (Photo Credit: Christian Espinoza)

Seeking solitude, finding peace in a restful place. Letting go, or longing for a distant memory.

We are all looking for something out there, but often we forget that there’s nothing to find out there at all.

The remnants of the past come back as glimpses in the present. They hurt at times, but they also make us see ourselves better.

We live the stories we tell for ourselves, we see our reflection in others. We close our eyes when we don’t want to see what is in front of us.

Accepting yourself for better or worse is better than believing what is not real.

Start today, speak your truth.


Kauaeranga Kauri Trail, New Zealand 2012 (photo credit: Christian Espinoza)

To understand reality, look to nature.

We may not understand what someone else is going through, so it’s always best to not assume and simply act in kindness.

Our true nature is always revealed, sometimes behind the surface.

Time is a killer, but is also gives us life. Flowers blossom in the Spring, but fall in the space of a calendar year. This is life.

To take life for granted would be foolish.

The sun shines on all people just the same.

Cherish every single day.


Location unknown, 2008 (photo credit: Christian Espinoza)

Let me take you on a stroll through the imagined world, a reality that only exists in the mind. Beyond the infinitesimally small, through a boundless, intersecting cluster of black holes which I will refer to as the the Endlessness.

We no longer depend of light to collide with an object and reflect back its true image into our eyes for our brain to truly make sense of what we are seeing, because there is no need to see anymore. All things are imagined to life within our mind, and each imagined object spawns infinite imagined objects just like it. Over time we’ve developed without eyes, and our brains have had room to expand.

There is no reliance on food or water because we have no mouths, no tongue, no digestion system, because our survival is not reliant on these things anymore. Our memories don’t exist either because there is no past, therefore we only imagine new events and form new ideas. When a new event is created it can alter someone else’s reality simply through its inherent frequency, which is fed directly to the mind.

In this imagined world the only currency is human emotion, in its purest form, which cannot be bought, traded, or sold. There is no hierarchy, there are no kings, queens, or presidents. Time is not linear, it is not singular, it exists without past, present or future. Time is suspended.

The only way to escape the world of the Endlessness is by you catching yourself with a memory. A memory of how it was on Earth, when you lived there, when you had your eyes, your mouth, and your past. When you were your human self, and you developed assumptions, ideologies, identity, prescribed to the notion of rules set by others, and lived with insecurities, fear, and a fluctuating sense of happiness.

Now you are back. You open your eyes, your mind, and you understand that something has changed, but you have no memory of what it was and you can’t comprehend it. But is stays there deep in your mind, reminding you that there is more than meets the eye. There is an endless world but it’s not out there, it exists only in your mind.

One: Mathematics is the language of nature. Two: Everything around us can be represented and understood through numbers. Three: If you graph the numbers of any system, patterns emerge. Therefore, there are patterns everywhere in nature.

– Max Cohen, from the film Pi (directed by Darren Aronofsky)

The Universe

Elizabeth, author’s mum (photo credit: Christian Espinoza)

Endless fun and laughter, that’s all I remember when I was growing up. I don’t remember curfews, responsibility, just lots of silliness and laughter.

My mum and I moved to New Zealand from Peru when I was 6 years old. We moved in with my Grandma who had settled in a few years prior. Getting used to a new country, a new language and a new culture wasn’t easy, and my mum and I grew even closer. We were more like close friends than anything else. She worked multiple jobs to make sure I had what I needed (and wanted), unbeknownst to me at the time. She did everything to make sure my life was great, and it was.

The portrait of her above was taken with Kodak Portra UC film, the UC stands for Ultra Color, and it couldn’t be more fitting for her. She was and still is an Ultra woman. She taught me that life wasn’t to be taken so seriously, and that’s a lesson I keep remembering all these years later. She is the reason I turned out as weird as I did… thanks mum.

Recently I went on a road trip across the North Island, and caught up with some of her friends from way back. I could feel the love from their words as they recounted stories of her, and how they miss her when she is not there. I do as well.

My mum is the life giver, the universe, and the constant force in my life. She is selfless, strong, and I hope one day to be like her.

This post is for her.


From series ‘Sisters of St Joseph’, 2010-11 (photo credit: Christian Espinoza)

If I wake up tomorrow and my life as I know it didn’t exist, who would I be?

All my beliefs, all my values, my identity, all gone away.

What if all that you believed was real, didn’t exist?

What is real?

Assumptions become narratives.
Narratives beget judgement.
Judgement affects feeling, and feelings shape your reality.

What if your assumptions are incorrect.

Walk a mile in the shoes of a beggar and see what they see, feel what they feel. We are human after all, no more, no less. Death is the great equalizer.

Don’t take away his mind, don’t take away his heart, don’t diminish his existence.

Give of yourself, give it all away. Don’t take anything with you when you go.

Let Go

Ethan, 2010 (photo credit: Christian Espinoza)

When we decide to hold to something we strengthen our resistance, create tension. Narrow the focus of our mind, despite what our heart may be saying (or the reality of life).

Memories of the past, our attachments, we hold on to them because we feel we need them. We tell ourselves great stories as we act out the role of the protagonist. But often that’s all they are, just stories.

Maya Angelou once said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel“.

Feelings can cut through your skin, tear down your muscle, pierce your brain, and they’ll do it faster than anything else in this world can. Our fears, anxieties, our joy, our love, all of it help to make us who we are, and we are all vulnerable.

Letting go is not the end, but the beginning.

Letting go is freedom from the enslavement, mentally or physically.

So when you decide to hold on, remind yourself why.

If you’re frightened of dying, and you’re holding on, you’ll see devils tearing your life away. But, if you’ve made your peace, then the devils are really angels freeing you from the earth. It’s just a matter of how you look at it, that’s all”

– Louis (character) from the film, Jacob’s Ladder